I keep thinking something's going to change. Today was a bit of an odd day.
After going to gym yesterday, I was sore as hell. I woke up and went to work earlier than usual, not feeling as tired as usual. Someone was away in our fairly small team that I didn't notice until later that day, and nobody told me why, which was unusual. We had a birthday and a few cakes, which we said we'd no longer do when somebody's birthday came around. The birthday boy did a speech, which, although it does happen on occasion, isn't usual when a birthday comes up.
I went into a meeting with my manager and someone from IT to put in some changes I've been dying to get put in for months, as soon as possible. It seems like things are finally getting somewhere now that I have some support, even if it does still feel like it'll go slowly - considering history. It had me excited enough to get into a bit of a fight with my supervisor, which is extremely rare. We usually agree or find some common ground even on issues we completely disagree on. In the end, he makes the call, I know he makes the call, and he knows I know - and even if we're short with each other, we're quickly back on track.
I had one customer I had to give good news to that I couldn't get in contact with, one customer I had bad news for that was a call I didn't want to make - and now have to follow up on, and one which is serious enough to look into that I can't even talk here about what it is, that's giving me grief that I don't even need to give myself
but feel morally obligated to.
During my breaks, I'm reminded how sore I am as I drop out of thinking mode and move into relaxing mode. It's not uncommon for me to take regular long walks/tram rides/train rides around the city to see if I can find new places, or just to go to ones that I'm used to that I like, or even just the half-thrill of being on a goddamn train.
I get to think, and I tend to forget. One of the things that pops into my head today was how the hell I've managed to come this far without many people being around to help me out. A lot of people are just there
, but I only know a few people here. The chances of getting into a relationship anytime soon are not even worth taking time to think about. But there's something there.
I don't want to fool anyone or myself into thinking that I just don't have the need. It's a sort of control, but it's the same reason that even though I can control my depression for the most part, it's good to be depressed sometimes. It might sound unrelated, but it's not really. I don't know why this popped into my head, but for a little while waiting for that lift, I let some of that depression set in. It would be nice, if.
So today, on my break, I decide I'm going to walk to the (second) nearest train station. I work right next to a train station, so it's a fair walk. Now, I remember the last time I went to this particular train station, I got disgruntled, and I think I got a bit lost from what I remember, and the train ended up being a bit late, so I got back from my break quite a bit late. Today I felt that I knew the streets a bit better, and I was making good time. I made my way to the station.
I'm a block away when I see the scaffolding around the entrance stairs. Then it hits me. The reason I was late last time was because these stairs were blocked off, and added a good 5-10 minutes to my journey, which forced me to walk the extra city block to the other side of the station, miss the train, and run back to work. My damn memory had failed me once again and I'd fallen into exactly the same problem as last time
Being so sore, I went straight home tonight. No gym means no dinner - which is unusual these days. I get home fairly quickly and almost walk in, but turn back and check my mailbox, since I so rarely check it. There's a bunch of junk mail, a bank statement, something else I haven't opened yet and one envelope with my name and address in pencil.
This last letter held my curiosity. It looked like someone had written a personal letter. What's more, my name was there as "Tony" without my last name, meaning it was probably someone from the internet.
I got inside, and opened it. Inside was just a sheet of notepaper, torn at the top. On it, in handwriting, was a message I needed to be reminded of.You're never alone.
I couldn't believe it. The ironic part is that I knew who sent it, too. A few weeks ago, I sent it to myself
And I'd completely forgotten.