avatar_1: (Downlit)
I was watching Inception, fell asleep half way through. The following morning, I woke up and flitted around a bit before finishing the second half. By the very end of it, I was dozing off as the end credits rolled. I had a bit of a hard time actually falling asleep. This is very strange for me; I can usually fall asleep pretty much instantly all the time.

When I woke up, it was the next day already, and Dad was driving me to school. He was mad that I wasn't organised and now we were rushing. I looked at my watch, it was 8:47, and I was meant to be there at 8:30. Me, being the rebel I am, tried to hurry and stop him and the same time - what the hell had happened? My naps usually take around 3 hours and here we were the next bloody day. I didn't remember anything, including when I'd gotten ready to go, waking up, or anything else. The last thing I'd remembered was going to sleep the day before.

The only explanation for this kind of memory lapse was that I'd had another seizure.

It's been years and years since I had my last seizure, but that wasn't the worrying thing about this one - they had never occurred like this one did. Usually I'm awake when it happens, and I usually experience an aura before it happens that I remember after I wake up from the sleep-induced seizure. Nothing like that occurred here. This one happened while I was sleeping.

My parents were kind of terrified and seemed to want to rush so as to make nothing look out of the ordinary to anyone else, which explains why they were upset. They've always preferred having things their way and not having to explain themselves, not even to me. They just had an expectation for me to do as I was told. The whole thing made me angrier to get my facts straight. I wanted to know what the hell happened, and they were the ones who clearly knew more than they were telling me about what had happened. They must have known, at the very least, what happened before I ended up in the car with dad. They were awake, and with me at the time, in the period where I simply had no memory.

But I was running late for a game that I had to attend, and participate in. As usual, I did have some reason to actually do what my parents were telling me to do, rather than find out what happened to me. My parents insisted I wouldn't be playing that game today, that they'd already sorted it out. This had me fuming. Like any seizure, afterwards, I was feeling fine - I basically felt like my "nap" was finished and nothing else (bar my spotty memory). They wouldn't relent on the idea that I'd be playing after I "needed to reset" (in their words), so I went off anyway, let them drive me in.

When we got there, I had every intention of checking in with my coaches so we could do what we were there to do, and my coaches seemed to take an active interest in having a chat with me, in a very concerned manner. In the way that anyone would be after some sort of serious sickness had taken hold of a person. As if they knew what happened. My parents had obviously told them about the seizure in advance; another piece of my missing memory revealed. If my parents had answered me when I'd asked them what had happened instead of rushing me to do as they'd wanted, this would have come up. In any case, I assured my coaches I was fine and fully capable of playing. Their concern rose - they obviously didn't agree, but I pressed them, and I was going to prove I was okay.

They'd organised a helicopter for our team to get to the game, and everyone was in uniform, including shorts. I was wearing long pants, and was already kind of hot. I obviously didn't come prepared just from the look of me. How had I forgotten this? My parents obviously didn't remind me because they didn't want me playing, and this would almost certainly exclude me. Even if I wanted to play, I'd be sweating to pieces if I'd tried. No wonder nobody believed me. I was dressed like anyone there, except a player in uniform. I didn't care, I wanted in. I got in the helicopter with the other players.

Some of them tried talking to me about where I'd been, and they seemed to feel like something was off. Of course there was, why the hell was I dressed like that? I looked like a spectator. Most of them eventually filed off the helicopter to talk to someone else or to talk between each other privately, I couldn't tell.

Some other semi-interesting events from then on occurred that I can't really remember. But it felt like I was getting nowhere. I was still so stumped about what the hell had happened the past day or so, and what was going on now.

Then I woke up. It'd only been a couple of hours since I napped, not a full day. I don't live with my parents, I haven't been going to school now for over a decade, I don't play any sports. And I didn't have a seizure.
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avatar_1: (RockyRoad)
There's two terms I use to define how likely I am to have a seizure. I use them because when I'm thinking about having a seizure, I don't have time or the concentration to think about where I am on a scale of 1 to 10. That's too much to handle. The more I concentrate, the more likely I am to seize up. No, I need to be as relaxed and as focused as possible.

When I've recently taken a tablet, I'm safe.
When it's been a while since I've taken a tablet, I'm prone.

Simple, quick, easy. One word means safe, the other means danger. Both one syllable, and the latter is enough to alert me that something is not right. It's important that it's easy because I don't think about whether I'm about to have a seizure 24/7, so when I'm actually about to have one, I'm not always thinking "wait, am I in the middle of an aura?" It's much easier to think about whether it's almost time to take a tablet, whether I have to go home, whether I can stay out, whether it's semi-okay to have my over-the-limit quota of one drink.

Melbourne is apparently one of the best places for an epileptic to live. Some of the best specialists in the country are here, conveniently located near me at the Alfred Hospital. Although I'm now apparently too well to keep going there, a few things I've since learned actually make sense from the doctor I've seen there.

The first is basic - the likelihood of having a seizure isn't based solely on the tablets, although the tablets should ensure no problems (which, in the past, they have). Sleeping properly and eating well also come into play, which explains why I'm able to function so damn well sometimes without them.

The other is that when I'm breathing deeply - or hyperventilating, like during an EEG, I'm putting my body into a similar state it would be in under conditions where I'm having a seizure. It's not the same with exercising, like if I go for a run and run out of breath and pant, there's something else in the body that compensates for that - which isn't there if you're at rest and hyperventilating.

I went to the gym last week to meet up with Josh, my trainer. I'm always pushing myself harder when he's around, since there's less risk of anything going wrong. And it works for me.

Until last week. We did boxing, which I love doing - and I'd only done it once before. It's all based on endurance, which is one of my weaker areas. Regardless, I think it's great fun. Not quite DDR when it comes to exercise, but close. I do half hour sessions, and it's all done in fairly quick succession. I prefer to do more in less time than less in more time. I take lengthier breaks only when I can feel my body really needs it.

But last week, something went wrong. By the end of the session, I actually started feeling dizzy. I was walking around, still dizzy, before I had to sit down. Before I had to sit down and close my eyes before I could get my focus back. The first thing I thought of was to do a double take on whether I'd had my tablet this morning. I did, I was positive.

It wasn't until tonight that I had a really good think about it. Something Josh had said to me, not just that night, but once before. Since I go straight to the gym from work, giving me only 15 minutes, I don't have anything to eat before I go the gym. Tonight, I actually did get something to eat, only because I was hungry, not because I was trying to avoid something like that happening again. But then it dawned on me.

I take two tablets a day, one every 8-16 hours. If I have my tablet in the morning, then I'm prone by the time I get to the gym and start exhausting myself.

Supposedly, despite the fact that I felt like I might actually pass out, despite having all the symptoms of having a seizure, apparently the same thing won't happen during exercise. Stress could easily contribute, but I wasn't stressed that day either.

I need to talk about this for a lot of reasons. I haven't really properly talked about this, either because nobody's interested, people don't like asking about it or don't like talking about it. It's important because I wouldn't have worked out half of this if I hadn't started experimenting with what my body could handle, which I could say would have been around 2000, but was more likely a few years before that, while I was still in school, and probably even as early as late primary school.

It's important because people want to know what the limits are and what the triggers are. It's important because I need people not to freak out if something does go wrong. It's important because this is something I have to think about everyday, my entire life, as subtle as it might seem. It's important because sometimes I'm not the only one who forgets.

Above all, it's important that people understand.
avatar_1: (Downlit)
My horoscope for the day.

A sense of adventure sees you accepting challenges, stepping outside your comfort zone or shrugging off concerns. Whether you decide to embark on a new venture or set out on a journey of self-discovery, success is forecast.

Something strange happens when I get too stressed. Instead of getting angry and wanting to kill someone, my body will slowly start to shut itself down.

Things that can start becoming skewed range from what I can see and get a focus on, to my memory completely collapsing over something I should be intimately familiar with. This is a big problem for me, because the same thing happens just before I have a seizure.

Which effectively means I can look like I'm about to have a seizure even though I'm not, and even though I'm still taking tablets. When I'm not taking tablets, the same thing will happen if I'm under stress, except that I'm more likely to have that seizure since resisting the seizure means I need to be in control of my body.

This happened to me today at work. It wasn't epileptic, but my normal routine and my normal procedures were drastically skewed from what I'm used to, and it forced me to recheck everything I was doing, even though it felt like it was full of bad decisions.

Now, I'm pretty good - I can usually take a direction and sit back doing it even if I think it is a bad idea. But I like to go all the way with something I'm doing, not stop half way and do something else. What that means is that certain things will be ignored that really need to be followed or followed up on.

But one of the worst things you can say to me to stress me out is to tell me that I'm really less of something that I'm trying to be, or to become.

You know that when you've told someone that kind of thing, mistakes have been made.

Success is forecast, indeed.
avatar_1: (RockyRoad)
I've heard a tiny bit about it before, so I don't think this is actually news. It's nice to know I'm not just imagining things though.

How can they do that?

Edit: The article's since been deleted, but I think it was about seizure dogs.

Later Edit: Yep, here it is. Thank god.
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avatar_1: (Default)
So glad to be home. So very glad to be home and that the weekend is ahead. Ready to pick up and just go back.

Well, no, not really. I have to keep some sense of a humourous side though, or I'll go completely insane.

I've had a stressful week. The training at work is very dodgy, and I've had all types of stupid shit go wrong throughout the week. It seems to have started the same day I had the seizure I keep forgetting things I should remember; things I knew even back in Brisbane. I've been thrusted right into the work - I've even been appointed as a warden now, simply because I didn't object - and I'm being put on the phones without knowing what to do.

This was a four-day week. I got paid, and it wasn't as much as I was expecting. It wasn't close. It's enough, but it's making things feel a lot less worthwhile. Still better than the alternative was, yes, but it's making all of my options look pretty sluggish.

That's only the work side of things. I barely realised I'd gotten to my front door until I realised I was getting my key out of my pocket.

I'm sure it's only because I just got here. A lot of it is only a temporary thing, and I'm taking comfort in that. I need to buy a microwave and hopefully a desk and chair on the weekend, assuming I can get them delivered, and maybe I can get a new modem too. And hopefully that will actually fix my continuous dropouts.

Oh, and I forgot to mention TAR. Actually, I'd probably best not mention it.
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avatar_1: (Default)
So I had a seizure this morning. Slept all night, then slept all day. Well, I woke up a few times during the day, but I was in too much pain whenever I tried to move, so I just dozed off back to sleep. I wasn't keen on telling the parents for fear of Mum freaking out, but I told Jimmy while she was behind him, and apparently she just shook her head. Everyone else I talked to took it reasonably well, which I'm glad about. It makes me less worried about talking about it if it happens again.

Since I've been here, I've been aware how much more important it is for me to take the tablets because I know I won't get as much help here, and if anyone decides to call the ambulance, I could find myself paying ~$700, as I almost did when I seized at Khaz's party a few years back. Work's aware I'm epileptic, but I'm yet to talk to any first aid officers.

Since I woke up and got up, the pain has mostly subsided, and since I've spent the easter break at home, contrary to my earlier plans, I went out for some DDR. I left late-ish though, so I was only going to have time (and money; I'll never get used to $5.60 per game) for one or two games. In short, it was a bad idea. Even after only three songs, I was sore. I still had to walk back through South Bank yet, another ten minute walk. It's also getting far too cold for comfort.

I got to the major tram stop at Flinders St station, and looked up at the monitors to see how many minutes it would be until my next tram came. There were just dashes instead of numbers next to the few lines I could take. I knew the last trams were going to be around 11.30, but it was only about 11 at this point. There was another computer further up that lets you plan your trip. It recommended me to take the train, leaving in ten minutes.

I haven't been to the train station in my area before, but I had an idea of where it was, reading it from my refidex when I moved in. It was a little risky, I needed to get to sleep fairly early tonight, but a taxi wasn't rubbing me well. I could have gotten completely lost. I got to the station, following everyone else out, and recognised the street I was on, figuring I'd have no problem. I walked for about five minutes when I realised I was going the wrong way.

The reason any of this happened was because for the past four days I have been incredibly lazy. Breaking one of my new years resolutions, I really have to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'll be buying some furniture sometime later this week or early next week, so maybe I won't get overly comfortable from lying down at the computer.
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avatar_1: (Analyse)
I moved back in with my parents on Monday for the last few days I'm here, simply so I could get around a little bit easier to see everyone, and have a place to store my stuff in case everything went bust much like it has today. Not only will I need to be in Melbourne just to do inspections for real estates, but all but one of them close within an hour of when I arrive.

My parents are hopeless and reminded me why I moved out. Nicely. My only consellation is that I am only doing this to move out again, away from them. Further away. My parents could barely stop themselves making everything that was bad about it, exponentially worse for me. They could have pretended I wasn't there and done more to help me. I have not been this stressed by them in a long time.

There was still more I wanted to do, too. My car would have helped. A small part of the reason I'm going is because of my lack of a car. Then again, there are other things I would have liked to do where having a car would not have made a difference, due to other circumstances.

I really can't describe how I feel at the moment. Today was not how I wanted to spend my last day in Brisbane. I knew it wouldn't be fun, but this was ridiculous.

I did get to make one last small run to the city. I finally got that book that was recommended to me by Erin, which I've been meaning to do for years. I only came across it because I was looking for something else and snapped my head around and there it was looking right at me. I spent all but one of the last of my tokens at replay and left. On my way home, during peak hour, I made a note that this was going to be the last Brisbane sunset I'd see for a while.

For a while.

Right now it's hard for me to even think about one of the better days I've spent here. They've usually been spent with one person at a time, but it's taking me a lot of effort to get that feeling back. The feeling isn't gone. It's just that I don't want to faint from it. Or, you know, have a seizure.

Three guesses as to how well my mother's handling that little prospect.
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avatar_1: (Downlit)
Maybe I overslept.

I don't know what it is, but I've been so dazed all day today. I spent last night calming down a shard of players after news of a corrupt admin got out. As usual, it was just a chain reaction of misunderstandings after a mistake, but nobody really cares for that. Bloody murder!!!!!!!!! That's what we all want. Isn't it.

I forgot Turtle was going to be here today, and I spent most of the afternoon in the city with him and his beloved new car. It made me realise that little bit more about how badly I need a way to get around. The scooter is fine for short distances, but really doesn't cover it from the city to my place, or even half that distance.

I haven't had time to recharge. I may have slept well, but I haven't had much time to myself just to relax, and it's taking its toll. There's been something happening both days on every weekend, and I'm usually out almost every afternoon after work.

Sometime tonight I decided I needed milk, and I put on some clothes half-mindedly and walked outside and up the road. It almost felt like I was going to have a seizure, but that wasn't right because I'd taken my tablet.

From my point of view, I just suddenly didn't care about the rest of the world happening around me. I instinctively looked before crossing the road, and talked to people as I had to, getting out of their way, but it felt like I may as well have not been there. I like it when I don't attract attention, and tonight I was getting less looks than what I usually do. This comforted me greatly.

Has anyone else noticed cars not bothering to stop if you cross the road in front of them? I know I didn't particularly slow down when I was driving unless I really had to.
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avatar_1: (Riverlook)
The closest I ever get to knowing what exactly happens to me when I have a seizure first hand is the first few moments when I come out of it. I'll be incoherent, I won't remember a damn thing (often not even what year it is - although I usually remember my name) and, most interestingly, I'll be tired enough to want to go back into unconsciousness.

One time when I came out of a seizure a couple of years ago, the paramedic in the ambulance tried to keep me awake. She was really annoying; I don't know if it was her voice or her persistence, but all I wanted to do was fold back and go to sleep. She tried making me talk to her, and with enough effort I could have talked to her. I had no reason to talk to her - I turned my head away, ignored her and drifted off.

With the most recent seizure I had, the ambulance officer was a lot calmer, a lot more to the point, and I wasn't as tired. I was quite happy to try and work with him to get my memory back and to work out what exactly had happened.

It goes to show how much of an effect it has to have someone next to you who means something to you to keep you going, to give you a reason to come back to life.
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avatar_1: (Riverlook)
On the weekend, I spent a bit of time with my parents. It's been weird lately. Over the past year that I haven't been living with them, it really feels like I've seperated as much as I ever will from them. I've seen them so differently than I used to. I can see their individual qualities, and I figured out how to best deal with them, and exactly what their problems are. There's not a lot I can do at this point. One's losing her memory, the other's too stubborn to listen to almost anything. Sounds strangely familiar, doesn't it.

My memory comes and goes. It feels like it's gotten better over the past few years, but I get shady patches everywhere. I'll see something and stop for a moment and realise that there's something else I should know about whatever I'm thinking about, but I won't be able to pick it. I'll know there's more, but it won't come to me. I even think some of it might be related to the good ol' epilepsy; another reason I'm determined to find out more about it. The fact that I think the whole thing is psychological, or at least controlled somehow by how I feel things adds to it.

The way I'm stubborn is just like the way I used to not be able to talk properly. When I was little, I used to not be able to pronounce my R's and S's properly. I never noticed it, but everyone else seemed to. I even taped myself talking a few times and noticed it - I couldn't work out how that got there. I've done the same thing with logs. I'm sure it's there, but I remember having my reasons for it. I only ever see it as defending myself or my opinions. If I'm wrong, I don't want to stay wrong for the sake of being right. I'd rather someone changed my mind.

More to be said, but it's just more of the same.
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avatar_1: (Uplit)
It's been a slow weekend.

Last night's party at the tower house was about as much fun as I expected it to be, and I didn't stick around. I won't go into it, suffice to say that since tuesday meeting up with people and doing the things I used to do is becoming, at least to some extent, unbearable. As a result, I've been pretty stressed. The comments from that other post have finally stopped, and looking back over them, I don't think I was just trying to be in the right in my replies. A lot of people say that to me, but I still think I'm just making my point.

I've been feeling really apathetic lately too, and I'm not sure why. I get bored and make myself find things to do, like chores. I don't know where this sudden burst of activity came from, but it's doing me a ton of good. Getting used to public transport is an absolute bitch, and has made me so much more sympathetic to people who are used to it. Still looking for other options to get around as well. My license is definitely going to be void, but even a bike is better than this.

Some people did support me through this week. Contrary to what people might have noticed, it's been hell for me since that accident despite that I didn't even see it. I've felt the consequences and I'm trying really hard to be able to deal with it the best way I know how. I honestly can't thank you people enough - you know who you are.
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avatar_1: (Riverlook)
Does anyone know anything about Epilim? I only found last week (at work, no less) that it's used not only as a treatment for epilepsy, but also as an anti-depressant. I'm meant to be taking two tablets a day, but I've been slacking off for the past month or so, only taking one or two a week. Since then, I've noticed my memory is actually better than ever. I just found this message from someone else via google:

I'm 45 and have been taking Epilim (700 mg twice a day) for ten years or more and have been seizure free. What are the long term effects of taking it for another 20-30 years? I already feel that my memory suffers, especially with odd blanks when I can't remember a name or a word. Is that going to get worse? Are there other side-effects which might gradually increase? Since I'm fortunate enough to be able to keep things under control the general medical view is 'shut up and keep taking the pills'. Is that right?

I've talked about how listening so clinically to the doctors isn't the best idea, and every epileptic I've talked to agrees with me. I'm still wary of seizures and still taking the tablets, and especially wary that I'm not taking them anywhere near as much as I should, but it's a tad worrying that I'm now feeling better than I usually do. Especially in regards to my memory.

One of the reasons I'm really concerned about this is because I'm very anti-antidepressant. I like to believe I can get around depression the natural way without any drugs, at the very least with myself. It was quite a shock to think I've been on antidepressant medicine almost my entire life.

Written in response to that article in italics )
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avatar_1: (Quenton)
Tonight was one of those nights where I wish I could write down or record everything I'm thinking. Journal worthy stuff the whole way, and I'm afraid this isn't going to be as good as what I had preplanned, because I remember that I wasn't going to know where to start this entry as I was driving home.

People still don't know me real well and still like to think they do. They're bound to get hurt by some of the stuff I do. I try to warn them as best I can, but some people still take the brunt of the emotional hard times, and make me feel like I should do something about it. I probably will, but that kind of thing is what got me where I was in the first place.

I had three major arguments today. It was so great that I can even divide it up into who's and what's for your viewing pleasure. Skip this next bit if you don't care.

Argument 1: Vince & Me vs Icey
This one was pretty stupid, and it's probably going to be a bit debatable. Icey has recently gotten back on the tracks of playing UO again, as we've been talking about it and deciding playing again as a group is probably going to be fun. That was a few days ago. Since then, he's been asking me for advice in #starland, pretty constantly, I noticed. I didn't think too much of it, until Vince brought up the fact that it was getting annoying. Thus began an hour-or-so long argument about why he should stay there since the channel is idle vs why not move to #ultima, pm, or some other channel. He said he is just keeping the channel active, and not bothering anyone, and he thinks he'll be abused to hell in #ultima; I was saying that maybe the real issue here is whether he's being polite about it to other people in the channel or not. Vince had a bit of a different view, but still that he should not keep talking about ultima day in and out when there's other places he could be doing it. It didn't get anywhere, but at least we talked about it. Both Vince and I left at pretty much the same time, we both had stuff to do.

Argument 2: Me vs Tam
This one was quick, considering it ended with Tam quitting. I had sizzlers and DDR planned for tonight, and I invited anyone who wanted to come, including Tam, whom I had to call. Icey said he didn't really feel like DDRing tonight (surprise, people, Icey's life doesn't depend on DDR :P) Tam told me he'd like to go but couldn't really afford it. I didn't think twice about that, until a bit later on. I sms'd him about half an hour later, saying something like "hang on... did you say you couldn't afford it? wtf?" I didn't get a reply (I usually don't from Tam, so that's okay), and he hopped online and I asked him there again about it to confirm it. I told him (truthfully) that if he didn't want to go, to make up some better excuse. I don't mind if he doesn't want to come, and I know he's saving for a holiday, but if I can afford it, he can. My financial problems aren't swell, and I only just manage to keep up. I understand there's a lot of sacrifices that some people don't want to make, but even that would have been a better excuse. Anyway, I tried to end the whole conversation there, but Icey kept asking me stuff still related to it, and I answered, and Tam kept going, assuming I was still pissed off as I have been over the last few days. I saw it getting a bit dramatic, but by this point it was too late. He quit, not too happy.

Argument 3: Me vs Jeff & Icey
I could say Emma and me, but she was doing more sticking up for me than arguing about it. Understandable, since this one was about the one thing none of the three of them really knew much about, and that I did - epilepsy. Emma had just come back from a float with Kates and she showed us the URL for some info about it after I asked what it was. It said some stuff about how it affects brain waves and stuff, so I asked if it could affect epilepsy, and that seemed to remind her, ooh yes it does, bad for epilepsy. We talked about that for a bit, and for the cons of the whole subject, Icey seemed to really be insisting I listen to the doctors about how I handle the whole epilepsy thing. My argument was that their logic seems to contradict any of my behavior whenever a seizure happens etc. and that although I'm taking what they say into consideration, I feel like I should be doing more than just listening to them and reading them like an instruction manual. Jeff eventually read the entire thing, since he'd just gotten back and thoroughly agreed with Icey. They both simple assumed I was too stubborn and was just ignorant of the doctors. Emma and Stary both understood that wasn't the case, even if they didn't agree with the whole don't listen to the doctors thing. That's all I expected, and it's a shame they were the only two who seemed to think about it. I left, since that argument was over before it started.

I thought about telling people when they're being open minded more often, but that would be really difficult, since it would probably just be me telling everyone who agreed with my side that they were open minded. Pretty silly, and it would be really not open minded of me to do that, since I'm quite possibly wrong.

I ended up going to the city on my own, and CD#7 was cranked and playing some of the first tracks on there, which really got me started and thinking. I felt like partying, and here was the moment that was going to start it. I was determined not to let anything get the better of me tonight, least of all the major arguments that got in my way to begin with. I felt good. Most shreds of guilt about not telling people what I really thought were out of the way. Maybe that's what I like about getting depressed occasionally. It gives me a chance to give myself some thought for a change. I'd recommend it to everyone if I thought they could control it.

Just getting a parking spot was a pain. It was more loaded than I first thought it would be. Anyway, I eventually found a spot on Mary St, and I had to reverse park into it. It was kinda tight, and although I started what I thought was a winner reverse park, I hit the curb. I cursed, and then looked around and turned the car off. I left it in what seemed to be an easy 30 degree angle to the curb. Hey, it was still within the lines. They couldn't fine me.

I made my way to Sizzlers, and as I walked past replay, I turned around and decided to have a game of DDR first. I did, and it was good. Nothing overly spectacular to note, I don't think... I don't even remember what happened or what I played.

I went to sizzlers and got a salad bar AND a loaded potato (basically baked potato with sour cream and eschallots and stuff). For those of you who don't know, when I go to sizzlers I NEVER get anything except a salad bar and drink on its own. Tonight I was quite willing to go all out on myself, and whatever this was cost only like $2 extra, probably worth it. The waitresses kept thinking I was leaving and kept trying to take away my plates when I wasn't done with them, once even when I just went up to the salad bar to get more food. Pretty funny. I went through messages on my phone, and I noticed some funny stuff there.. one in particular from Stary was really funny, and I let her know. Despite the dodgy waitressing, I gave them an 'excellent' report on their feedback form. Not like it was their fault. They don't even want to work there.

After that, I went over to timezone to spend my free game. It was 8.45pm, so I still had a smidgen of time left before they closed at 9. As I walked up Queen St Mall, one of those women on the corner were singing, I think busking. The problem was she wasn't singing. She was wailing. Badly. You could hear it in the centre of the mall from their corner. If you didn't know she was there, you would just hear some distant woman sound like she was crying for help.

I went into timezone and played 5th mix. I think I was the last one left, and they didn't look overly happy about me coming in at the last few minutes. I ignored them and went over and swiped my card. Welcome Tony. Enjoy your free game. Yes I will, and yes I did. I left at 8.58pm. I think one of them was following me up to close the door at the top of the stairs.

I headed back to replay, and as I walked down past hungry jacks, some guys had attempted to try and talk to Wailing Woman. She was making 'brrbrbrrbrbrrrbrrr' noises at them, like, the same type of noise when you vibrate your tongue against the top of your mouth. It was pretty funny to watch. They looked like they kept trying to talk to her even after she did that, but she just kept doing it. brrrbrrbrbrrrbrr. Pretty funny to watch.

I got to DDR, and there was already two people playing it. I chucked my tokens in while they were playing, and I got up to see that they had 4 credits in there. Shit. I waited till they finished their first game, and they immediately started a new one, not noticing my presence. OKAY, I went to buy some more tokens to play the drum machine game. When I got back, I looked over at DDR, and they seemed to be looking around, and they saw me. They asked me if they were my credits, there was three in there, I told them one was. They said I could have the rest. They had only done two songs of the credit they were on. Score! As soon as I got on to play the rest of their game, some girl came up looking like she wanted to play, and kept pointing and making gestures as if to say "can I play? is it my turn yet?" I pointed to the other side of the stage. She went to put tokens in, and I stopped her, telling her she didn't have to, because we had free credits. She said "Oh..." and put them in anyway. Fine by me. Apparently she hadn't played DDR before ever, and I was under the impression she was going to be one of the ones who stumbles and cracks. I picked an easier song and put her on light, and she passed it without any trouble. I asked her if she thought that was okay or what. She wanted something faster. I chose another song that I was a step up from it, and again she had really few problems with it. I picked her as the nine-year-old asian type (no, she was much older) who plays DDR while doing handstands, even on new songs. She said "Is this the end?" and I nodded, and she left before I could tell her she had an extra credit in there, she looked like she was in a rush.

While I was playing those last 4 or 5 credits (I don't remember anymore, I lost count), Stary SMS'd me wanting to hang out. I looked for my car, and couldn't find it, realising I went down wrong streets twice. When I finally did see it, the first thing I noticed was the obscene angle it was parked on, and I remembered that I was hoping not to get a fine. I had to smile when I saw the car - I'm such a genius. As I walked up, I did see a slip of paper under the windscreen. It wasn't a policefine-sized piece of paper, far narrower and longer. It was some notice about keeping your car in a garage for $45 or something. At first I thought it was some kind of cool joke because my car was so badly parked, but to my discontent, every car had one.

I drove over to Stary's and we went back to her place and talked about stuff for a couple of hours. It doesn't surprise me why so many people find Stary so appealing. Then again, I'm probably saying that because I think she's so well... let's say open-minded. I think it's a real shame we're leaving moving out for so long. I won't say that I'm sorry we didn't move out before, because that was under very different circumstances, and we all had to go through what we did back then to come to the point we're at now. Even though we're doing the same thing, we're doing it very differently, and I would've only been delaying the trouble if I had forced myself to move out then.

I drove back home to some of the quieter songs on CD#7. I got out, and was really refreshed. Tonight could not have worked out any better. This is why getting depressed on occasion is a good thing. There's a few scars lying around, sure, but I think people are a little more enlightened now, and I think people want to understand me as much as I want to understand them, and I know at least one person came out of the whole experience better off. Things have changed.
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What a night. Love should be in the air, but recently I've seen anything but. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've seen more people fighting and breakups like there's no tomorrow ever. It feels like people don't care anymore, but I can't bring myself to believe that. It reminds me about something I said a few entries ago about looking between hope and the truth. Disheartening as it is, I just can't believe that nobody cares about each other. I'm putting it down to insecurities more than anything else. Everyone's got something against themselves, and something to look for in others.

I'm probably getting ahead of myself. I'm a little pissed tonight over the recent merger of the UO shard I've been working on, Dragonclaw. It's a long story, but to put a long story short, I've been down a very similar road before and I know where it ends - and I'm not willing to risk it again. The half of my staff that has an opinion on anything is against my ideas about the whole thing, and I've been arguing it all night. We've organised a meeting tomorrow and the final word will be put down there. Personally, I'm fearing the worst - Dragonclaw is not going to merge, and not going to continue looking for a host.

I had an eplieptic seizure the other night at a party. Everyone called the ambulance, who decided I'd best go to hospital. It was really good of them to do that for me, I really appreciate it. I don't know what the repercussions of that are yet.

Since then, I've been extremely tired. My memory seems even worse than what it was beforehand. Going to work has been agonising lately, and I've constantly felt like passing out on the spot due to fatigue. Even with eight or more hours sleep I'm still exhausted.

Another thing that seems to have changed is that people keep saying I've been more... what's the word... hot-tempered? lately. Like, I'll get angry too easily. That in itself is frustrating, but I try to control it. Even as I'm trying to control it, I'm being told to calm down, so I'm really not sure if it's my problem or theirs.

The whole thing is too much to think about. This is only about half of what I wanted to mention, but I don't want to be sitting here for the next three hours getting even less sleep. As always, I'll try update more tomorrow.
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