avatar_1: (Downlit)
2014-10-26 01:19 pm
Entry tags:

Planting an idea.

I was watching Inception, fell asleep half way through. The following morning, I woke up and flitted around a bit before finishing the second half. By the very end of it, I was dozing off as the end credits rolled. I had a bit of a hard time actually falling asleep. This is very strange for me; I can usually fall asleep pretty much instantly all the time.

When I woke up, it was the next day already, and Dad was driving me to school. He was mad that I wasn't organised and now we were rushing. I looked at my watch, it was 8:47, and I was meant to be there at 8:30. Me, being the rebel I am, tried to hurry and stop him and the same time - what the hell had happened? My naps usually take around 3 hours and here we were the next bloody day. I didn't remember anything, including when I'd gotten ready to go, waking up, or anything else. The last thing I'd remembered was going to sleep the day before.

The only explanation for this kind of memory lapse was that I'd had another seizure.

It's been years and years since I had my last seizure, but that wasn't the worrying thing about this one - they had never occurred like this one did. Usually I'm awake when it happens, and I usually experience an aura before it happens that I remember after I wake up from the sleep-induced seizure. Nothing like that occurred here. This one happened while I was sleeping.

My parents were kind of terrified and seemed to want to rush so as to make nothing look out of the ordinary to anyone else, which explains why they were upset. They've always preferred having things their way and not having to explain themselves, not even to me. They just had an expectation for me to do as I was told. The whole thing made me angrier to get my facts straight. I wanted to know what the hell happened, and they were the ones who clearly knew more than they were telling me about what had happened. They must have known, at the very least, what happened before I ended up in the car with dad. They were awake, and with me at the time, in the period where I simply had no memory.

But I was running late for a game that I had to attend, and participate in. As usual, I did have some reason to actually do what my parents were telling me to do, rather than find out what happened to me. My parents insisted I wouldn't be playing that game today, that they'd already sorted it out. This had me fuming. Like any seizure, afterwards, I was feeling fine - I basically felt like my "nap" was finished and nothing else (bar my spotty memory). They wouldn't relent on the idea that I'd be playing after I "needed to reset" (in their words), so I went off anyway, let them drive me in.

When we got there, I had every intention of checking in with my coaches so we could do what we were there to do, and my coaches seemed to take an active interest in having a chat with me, in a very concerned manner. In the way that anyone would be after some sort of serious sickness had taken hold of a person. As if they knew what happened. My parents had obviously told them about the seizure in advance; another piece of my missing memory revealed. If my parents had answered me when I'd asked them what had happened instead of rushing me to do as they'd wanted, this would have come up. In any case, I assured my coaches I was fine and fully capable of playing. Their concern rose - they obviously didn't agree, but I pressed them, and I was going to prove I was okay.

They'd organised a helicopter for our team to get to the game, and everyone was in uniform, including shorts. I was wearing long pants, and was already kind of hot. I obviously didn't come prepared just from the look of me. How had I forgotten this? My parents obviously didn't remind me because they didn't want me playing, and this would almost certainly exclude me. Even if I wanted to play, I'd be sweating to pieces if I'd tried. No wonder nobody believed me. I was dressed like anyone there, except a player in uniform. I didn't care, I wanted in. I got in the helicopter with the other players.

Some of them tried talking to me about where I'd been, and they seemed to feel like something was off. Of course there was, why the hell was I dressed like that? I looked like a spectator. Most of them eventually filed off the helicopter to talk to someone else or to talk between each other privately, I couldn't tell.

Some other semi-interesting events from then on occurred that I can't really remember. But it felt like I was getting nowhere. I was still so stumped about what the hell had happened the past day or so, and what was going on now.

Then I woke up. It'd only been a couple of hours since I napped, not a full day. I don't live with my parents, I haven't been going to school now for over a decade, I don't play any sports. And I didn't have a seizure.
avatar_1: (Default)
2013-04-23 06:10 pm
Entry tags:

Speed and grace.

Yesterday, I found myself chasing trams home from work, and wondering why I ever loved doing this.

Today, I did something quite different, and found myself trusting my instincts again, finding something changing within me once again. Like I was suddenly, just for that short time, flowing and on the right track, again.

Striving for routine, addicted to change.
avatar_1: (Riverlook)
2011-03-17 03:22 am
Entry tags:

The key ingredient of feeling alone.

After I went through the enlightenment, the message was clear. You are never alone, even if it feels like you are, even in the worst of circumstances.

Or another way of following up on that idea in practise: if you ever feel like you're alone, remind yourself of the logic that you're not alone.

I live thinking that at the back of my mind everyday. So well did the message get through to me that I made it a core belief in myself.

Yet I go through each day thinking everyone I meet is so different. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming, it momentarily makes me question that single fact. But then I remember that my emotions are just getting the better of me, and dismiss the thought, correcting myself.

The similarities between myself and other people must be there. If not completely, at least in part. Talking to people on the internet or seeing what they have to say when they talk will regularly prove it (albeit not with everyone, but that's not the goal).

I'll clarify: I'm not looking for someone or some people exactly the same as me; that's probably not possible and that doesn't bother me. I'm looking for a particular quality in someone.

One of the things which disappointed me about my state of affairs in Brisbane was that I thought I'd found it. That I was lucky enough to know what it felt like not to be alone. But after a certain point, I realised I had, for the most part, been kidding myself. For years. We all were, to some extent. We sacrificed a lot of who we were to fit into some sort of societal norm. We did things out of character and made them part of ourselves - for the sake of other people around us.

We cope with it quite well usually, because we want the best for ourselves and turn that change into something that we want to do, something that we (passively) decide we like.

But on the whole, we are sometimes made to do things we don't want to do. Made to be someone we don't want to be. We temporarily become someone we are not.

We feel fear, because we don't want to disappoint our peers, or feel left out.

We feel frustration, because not being able to be who we want to be makes us feel trapped, and we often don't realise what's happened.

We get angry at each other. We don't try to understand the minority opinion if it's too far out there, for all of the above reasons.

We risk rejection, the all-too-common cause of fear that stops us doing great things with our lives.

I want to find people who understand this. Who have an active passion to participate in getting this idea out to people, and in finding radical ways to pursue change. To pursue an improvement. To break away from the norm we have so well imposed on ourselves, even if only because we didn't know any better at the time. To be able to say to yourself that maybe everything you know, that so much of the way you do things, is wrong. That so much of it is keeping you stuck in your routine, and has very little to do with unlocking your potential as a human being with a limited amount of time to spare in this world.

If we did, imagine what problems we could resolve. Less fear. Less frustration. Less discrimination. Less rejection.

Less feeling alone.
avatar_1: (Uplit)
2010-09-23 12:44 pm
Entry tags:

Quick android test.

I got a sweet new phone the other day that is finally internet capable which finally allows me to post in here on the go - something I've wanted to be able to do for a long long time.
Will probably need to find a proper android lj client so I can correct spelling errors like that one back there that I have totally noticed but can't seem to select to fix it.

Fun post coming up soon, promise. I know it's been weeks to months.

edit: Spelling error fixed!
avatar_1: (Invincible)
2010-07-27 11:00 pm
Entry tags:

Birthday eve.

I didn't realise my birthday was coming up quite so soon. When it's a month or a week away, you feel like you have some time, but then you sleep for a bit and game for a day and come home from work and suddenly you're barely a day away.

I don't update much anymore, though I still should. It was meant to be about what I feel. But I can sum that up pretty easily, why take the effort of a full post. Especially now.

I feel distant, yet I feel clarity.
avatar_1: (Chaos)
2010-07-12 01:13 am
Entry tags:

Jesse Schell: Design Outside The Box (Beyond Facebook)

External rewards and Jesse Schelle's Amazing Lecture

This 30 minute video was first posted on Overclockers in Febrauary, and I've been coming back to watch it about once a month. This article and the comments that follow are a brilliant back and forth commentary over it.
avatar_1: (Uplit)
2010-07-10 11:42 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

<bongboy> you know, i'd almost forgotten why i've purposely avoided having a girlfriend until the other night when i was at a friend's place and a friend of a friend was being all bitchy and emotional and mentioned a few times that she's having her period, at which point i though, "oh yeah, that's right"


ahahaha
avatar_1: (Quenton)
2010-06-04 07:42 pm
Entry tags:
avatar_1: (Magic)
2010-04-16 11:49 pm
Entry tags:

Because right now, it works, and I'm happy. But that's just now.

Tonight I heard the best reasoning for being in a relationship that I ever thought I'd hear.
avatar_1: (ReturningFire)
2010-03-22 11:43 pm
Entry tags:

Like a dairy farmer.

[22:45] * Mekkis violently throws a canister of flamethrower fuel at Brunius_AFK
[22:57] [Ballig] you're violently throwing liquid at someone?
[22:57] [Mekkis_T41] it's in a canister
[22:58] [Avatar] how do we know it's flamethrower fuel
[22:58] [Avatar] maybe it's a canister of coke
[22:58] [Avatar] or, heck, water!
[22:59] [Ballig] he's violently throwing a bottle of water at someone
[22:59] [Ballig] quick, call in the special tactics team, he's a maniac
[23:09] [Avatar] who throws a shoe
[23:16] [Ballig] you fight like a woman
[23:34] [Avatar] how appropriate. you fight like a cow
avatar_1: (Horror)
2010-02-23 11:28 pm
Entry tags:

Crazy people land.

Yes Minister meets Alice in Wonderland

A very interesting article on where money goes when you work for the Australian government. Interesting even if you aren't really into politics. There must be a way to stop this.
avatar_1: (Personal)
2010-02-06 10:33 pm
Entry tags:

Enlightenment.

There's one stage of my life that I've always remembered as feeling the worst I've ever felt. For lack of a better word, I've always referred to it as the one time in my life I felt suicidal.

For a long time while I was in school, I took a lot of shit from a lot of people for reasons I could never quite understand. First, it made me leave Mackay altogether to go to school in Brisbane for grade 8. That was the first time I was able to change my life. It wasn't perfect though, there were still a few dickheads in the bunch that would always make it their life's goal to give me shit and drag me down, and while I still held it together, they did so reasonably successfully.

A couple of years later, grade 11 started, and while the dickheads and a few of the better people left, a new dickhead arrived into our group and managed to make my life so miserable that I was at the point that it was becoming difficult to function socially at all. I even consciously experimented with this - all I had to do was say anything, and I'd be ridiculed over it. Communication became impossible unless people were in a particularly good mood.

I actually got so good at predicting when this would happen just by observing the circumstances of what else was happening, it became as natural to me as being able to determine what colour the sky was.



Then, half way through grade 12, we went on a camp to Magnetic Island for three days.

Day 1 came and went and there wasn't much to it. We played a couple of games of poker, we went to the beach. The first activity we did was something to do with your relationship with yourself. How you see yourself. It was standard enough that it didn't hang around with me. It was later that night that I thought I'd had enough of everything. I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to go home. It kept on torturing me in my head as I fell asleep.

Day 2 was something quite different.

The next activity we had to do was about your relationship with others. I still didn't care for doing anything with anyone, and I was as sceptical as anyone in school who didn't want to be there of what we would possibly get out of whatever they were trying to teach us here.

Here's what happened.

We got given a bit of paper, saying "Sometimes I don't feel so good. This is because.......................". Fill in the blank. Don't put your name on it, just put it in the box in the centre of the room. We didn't know why we were doing this, and didn't give it a lot of thought.

Mine said something like "....because everyone's against me." I was sure that this would seem pretty bad to whichever one of the teachers were going to read it, but it was anonymous and I was angry as hell with the world, so whatever. I didn't care that it would seem extreme compared to what anyone else would put down. I was hoping to get the message across that someone was feeling like absolute shit.

A few minutes later, they explained what they were going to do: they were going to read out what all of them said, to everyone. At first I panicked when I heard that, but whatever - it was anonymous. I went back to wanting this to run its course and be over.

And then what happened next was not what anyone expected.

Every single note was equally as troubling. Every single person in that room was feeling shitty, at least at some point, to the same extent as mine.

Can you imagine that, they said, that everyone you know in this room, everyone you've been going to school with for however many years, people you thought you knew reasonably well, probably felt the same way as you do.

And was it just everyone in the room? Of course not. It couldn't be. It would be everyone in other grades as well. Everyone you go past on the street. In shopping centres. In the world.

You couldn't help but think of the implications this little revelation had if you hadn't thought of it before. After all, nobody could possibly feel the deepest pain you've felt.

Right? Wrong.

A couple of people probably didn't get it, or chose to ignore it, but it was suddenly pretty clear that regardless of any groups our grade had been in at lunchtime or who we were friends with, this had changed us. In one way or another, in our heads, we felt united.

The teachers running the activity then reminded us that we were in grade 12, the school leaders. They asked us how this would affect us when we were leading other people. This was a footnote, but the message was still clear - there was a certain obliged responsibility here to use this very valuable lesson with other people.

No longer could we use the excuse that we felt alone. We were just given virtually undeniable proof that we weren't.



For the rest of the day, the rest of the activity was to set up an envelope with our name on it. Hang it up, and write affirmations - not anonymously - to people who you wanted to recognise something good about.

The entire event got people talking, a few of us, myself included, were actually complaining that we'd be able to get our notes back the same day, because we wanted to write one for just about everyone, and wouldn't get time.

The rest of that day, and from then onwards, made that camp turned out to be a pretty damn good time with everyone enjoying themselves.

I still have that affirmation envelope with every note that was in there, 10 years on. Nothing since then was ever able to change my life quite as strongly as it did that day.

Everytime I look around at other people when I go about my life, that thought is programmed in me. In terms of how we feel, there is no such thing as being alone. The pain you feel, at its worst, gets no worse than it does for anyone else - whether you know them or not.
avatar_1: (Riverlook)
2010-01-21 08:54 am
Entry tags:

A conclusion that can't be summarised.

I was going to do a decade in review post over new years, but it seemed like the past 10 years has been my whole life.
avatar_1: (Aged)
2009-12-25 10:59 am
Entry tags:

(no subject)

FUCK christmas

and FUCK people who wake you up to say merry christmas
avatar_1: (Invincible)
2009-11-12 01:19 am
Entry tags:

Unlimited.

Feeling pretty damn good after making that last post.
avatar_1: (Chaos)
2009-10-28 07:06 pm
Entry tags:

Sensory overload is easier than you think.

Following up from yesterday's post, generally everytime I sit down at my computer after I get home to see what's going on, I'm immediately confronted by too many exciting and wonderful things that anything I had intended on posting on my journal is blown out of the water.
avatar_1: (Analyse)
2009-10-16 03:33 pm
Entry tags:

The need for speed.

The self-serve registers in Coles are nowhere near as good as the operator controlled ones.

Still, better than waiting.
avatar_1: (Default)
2009-08-02 12:14 pm
Entry tags:

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger.

I've now got the new LiveJournal Messenger. My Windows Live ID is avatar@livejournal.com. Sign up now and we can chat! Edit: Disregard the lame automated message above, but this is actually pretty sweet. It's MSN web messenger, basically, and you can talk to any of your msn contacts through it as well. And you can sign in using your @livejournal.com account, I think.
avatar_1: (Aged)
2009-07-29 12:06 am
Entry tags:
avatar_1: (Aged)
2009-07-21 01:49 am
Entry tags:

Brutal stupidity.

Every time I go back to see what's going on in [livejournal.com profile] brutal_honesty, I feel a little bit stupider.